In property management, anger is a commonplace emotion especially when there are problems with contractors or you have to deal with a dissatisfied tenant or investor. But what actually lies beneath that anger is a multitude of other emotions that you have to uncover before you can solve any problem.

In this conversation, lawyer-turned-peacemaker Doug Noll joins us to discuss the power of emotions. It’s all based on neuroscience. It takes a lot of practice, but once you master working at the foundation level of human nature, your life will be transformed forever.

Here are some power takeaways from today’s conversation:

  • Doug’s transition from lawyering and martial arts to peacemaking
  • The myth about human nature
  • How to calm an angry person in 90 seconds or less
  • Why active listening doesn’t work
  • Ways to practice affect labeling in a positive experience
  • The benefits of affect-labeling your children
  • What separates a leader from a manager

Episode Highlights:

[07:38] The Myth About Human Nature

We are not rational beings, we are emotional beings. What really makes us human is our emotions, not reasoning. We’re 98% emotional and only 2% rational. Never look at another human being as a rational being again, look at them as emotional beings. When you make that shift, your life will transform forever.

[09:57] The Three Steps in Dealing with an Angry Person

Step 1: Ignore their angry words. Completely turn off your ears and do not listen to those words. They have no meaning right now. As long as you’re not listening, you’re not going to get insulted or feel disrespected.

Step 2: Read the angry person’s emotions. Emotions never come as just one emotion at a time, they come in groups. For example, anger might be the presenting emotion, but underneath it might be six or seven other emotions. You need to learn how to recognize those other emotions so you can just read the emotions that this person is experiencing. Because humans have a very limited repertoire of emotions and behaviors, it doesn’t take long to master their repertoire.

Step 3: Tell the angry person what they’re feeling. Emotionally reflect back to them their feelings, not what they’re saying, but what they’re feeling using a “you” statement. This is called “affect labeling” and you affect-label until you see these four things happening: (1) saying yes (2) nodding their head up and down (3) dropping of their shoulders, and (4) sigh of relief or relaxation responses.

In property management, once you’ve done all of the above, then you proceed to figure out the things you need to do to solve this problem. Then you enter into a negotiation.

Always deescalate. Then problem-solve. The mistake that every single person makes is they try to go to problem-solving to stop the anger. And all that does is it escalates the anger. You never go into problem-solving or negotiation with an angry person. You have to get them calm.

[25:10] The Foundations of an Effective Leader

Leaders provide three foundational psychological services to any group – focus, direction, and safety. Leaders that can create psychological and emotional safety for their teams will have high-performing teams. Just because you have a job title does not make you a leader. So you have to cultivate a large number of skills to be an effective leader. A great leader is always working on creating his or her replacement.

Resources Mentioned:

http://www.dougnoll.co/rentwell

Email: [email protected]